My first divorce was a tragic comedy of errors. My then husband insisted that he could do the divorce himself. While I had wanted a divorce for several years, he insisted on filing the divorce as the petitioner. We did not have much money, and had amicably agreed to the division of the little financial assets we had. We had even come to an agreement on the most important things we had, custody and visitation of our three sons. I questioned several times if he knew what he was doing and he insisted he did. Our divorce was a perfect representation of our marriage…me questioning his competence and his defensiveness and determination to prove me wrong.
He filed the appropriate paperwork and a court date was set for December. I had a heavy travel schedule for work at the time including a 2-week long trip in Asia with a return date just before our court date. With every question I asked about his preparedness for the court date, his level of defensiveness and irritation rose. He assured me he knew what he was doing.
The day of the court date, I found that I was a ball of conflicting emotions. Relief, regret, sadness, fear, grief and even a bit of happiness that the next chapter of my life (whatever that was going to look like) was starting. My husband asked if I wanted to go to the courthouse together – I did not. As I was sitting in the courtroom waiting for our case to get called, the tears fell unbidden down my face. I remembered our wedding day…how we had walked down the aisle together to start our new life. Memories of happier times with our sons. His face when he was trying to make me laugh. At that moment, all of the reasons why we were getting divorced weren’t as clear as the reasons we were together.
When the judge called our case, my stomach lurched. All of those positive feelings left the minute the judge said, “I suppose if you two were going to have surgery, you would do it yourselves, too?” She started pointing out all of the things we were missing in our documents, things that were done wrong, etc. My face grew hot and my palms started to sweat. All of the years of disappointments in our marriage began replaying in my mind. All of the businesses started and lost, the house that was mortgaged for a business idea and lost, standing in a bedroom while he was curled in a ball on the bed telling me he couldn’t make the meeting to dissolve a partnership he had entered into and asking me to go do it, the fact that every single time I had needed him, he hadn’t stepped up and left me to deal with whatever crisis had happened as a result of his actions (or inaction). I knew that whatever I had been feeling minutes before wasn’t real. What was real was the fact that I had been on my own for most of our marriage. Divorce was just a formality that would allow me to officially be on my own.
I asked the judge when her next available court date was before the end of the year. She said she had one on December 20th, just a few days away. I asked her to put us on the docket for that date. She pointed out that we would need the help of an attorney and it would be difficult to get with one within that short time frame at this time of year. I assured her that I would AND I would make sure that all of the documents were in order. She took one look at my face and said, “I believe you will.” She set the court date and we walked out of the courtroom. My husband started making excuses as soon as we hit the door. I didn’t want to hear them anymore. I told him I would take care of it. Something I had been saying for most of our 13 years of marriage.
I reached out to a friend that I had known since junior high who was an attorney. I explained what had happened. She told me she wished I had reached out in the beginning. Thankfully, between the two of us, we got everything pulled together in time for the next court date in just a few days. I will forever be grateful for her help.
A few days later, standing in front of the judge, my feelings were different. There were no tears this time. All of the times I had to “fix” things were clear. I had wanted and needed an equal partner in our marriage and I realized I had never had that. We did not bring out the best in each other, we actually brought out the worst. I was grateful that the first court date had gone the way it had because it had brought a clarity for me that tends to be elusive when finalizing a divorce. This divorce was the right thing for me, for our sons and ultimately for him. I walked out of the courtroom knowing I had done the right thing and then cried all the way home.
A little over five years later I was in the same courtroom, ironically in front of the same judge for my second divorce. My second husband didn’t show up, whether because he didn’t care enough to or because he had several pending court cases in front of this very judge and he was afraid to. This divorce couldn’t happen fast enough; I should have gotten it years earlier. Part of the reason I hadn’t was I didn’t want the stigma of being divorced TWICE. I had finally realized what other people thought of me didn’t matter.
Within a year of getting divorced the first time, I had rushed into a serious relationship with “Prince Charming.” He had quite literally swept me off my feet. It was just a week after our wedding that I discovered the first of many lies and realized he wasn’t who or what he had told me he was. I should have walked out that day, had the marriage annulled. But a part of me wanted to believe his lies. I wanted the fairy tale that he had promised me. I didn’t want to go through ANOTHER divorce.
I stayed in the marriage for three years, three years longer than I should have. Those three years cost me both emotionally and financially. My sons were put through turmoil that I will forever regret. Hearing the full story now, people don’t understand how I stayed as long as I did. It’s taken me a long time to be able to answer that question.
Divorce is like a death. It is the death of your hopes, your dreams, your family, your relationship with your best friend. No one gets married thinking it will end in divorce. When it happens, your world shifts and you never quite go back to who you were before. It fundamentally changes you…who you are and how you view the world. Even if it’s the right thing to do, once you’ve gone through it, it is something you never want to go through again.
It has been ten years. I haven’t gotten remarried, you could say I am “gun shy.” I do believe in love and I believe in marriage. I have not given up hope that one day I will find a man of integrity that will love me the way I love him. Until that time, I am learning to love myself and be the best version of me that I can be. I don’t regret my divorces, with the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had gotten each of them sooner. Both of them have contributed to who I am today…a strong woman who knows her value independent of a man. I really love her and know she deserves everything the world has to offer!
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One of the most common questions that women ask me about going through a divorce is “Are my feelings normal?” Some days you may think you are doing OK, that this is easier than you thought. Other days, you may find yourself curled up in a ball on your bed sobbing your eyes out wondering how you are going to make it through this. Some days you wonder how you ever married your former spouse and you hate his guts. Other days, you find yourself yearning for him with every fiber of your being…no matter what caused the divorce, you would go back to him in a heartbeat.
If you are experiencing any of these feelings, you are normal. If you aren’t experiencing any of these feelings, you are normal. Sadness, relief, depression, anger, hope, happiness, anxiety, fear and grief are all feelings people talk about experiencing when they are going through a divorce. The truth is, WHATEVER you are feeling is “normal.”
Normal is defined as conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
There is NOT a standard, usual or typical way to feel when you are going through a divorce. A divorce is an emotional process. Whenever emotions are involved, it gets complicated. I often say that it takes our hearts much longer than our heads to understand a divorce. Our heads know all the reasons why we should no longer be in love or married to this person. Our hearts, however, still feel all the reasons why we fell in love with them in the first place.
One of the reasons that you can vacillate between loving and hating your soon to be former spouse is your head and your heart are in conflict. He may have cheated on you and left you for his girlfriend but when you are lying in bed at night alone, your heart is softly reminding you of the promises he made to you in better days. The roses you would wake and find on your pillow in the morning. That time he surprised you with a painting you had seen on vacation months before and loved.
People who haven’t gone through a divorce will be the first to tell you about what they think “normal” behavior is when you are going through one. “You shouldn’t still be crying, it’s been 2 months!” “Why aren’t you over it yet?” “You are the one who wanted the divorce, why are you upset about it?” “You seem pretty happy for someone who is going through a divorce.”
While people typically mean well, their opinions are just that…THEIR OPINIONS. Each divorce is as unique as the people going through it. And everyone that goes through a divorce, will go through the process and subsequent healing a little differently. While there are some core fundamental things that you need to do to heal, the timeline and process for you are probably going to be different than they would be for me or anyone else.
The best thing you can do is understand that whatever you are feeling IS normal. It takes time to work through the raw emotions of a divorce. Take it one day at a time and give yourself some grace if none of it makes sense for a while. Cry when you need to cry and try to find reasons to laugh every day! Personally, I’ve found beating the hell out of an inanimate object does wonders while both laughing and crying!
Sometimes just knowing that what you are feeling is OK helps. It gets better. In time, your emotions won’t be quite so volatile and you will find a new “normal” for you!
Hi! I’m Keri Lauderdale Olson, also known as Recovering Cinderella, www.recoveringcinderella.com. I am not a therapist (although I can probably use one) or divorce professional. I am simply a woman who has lived through divorce and wants to help support other women through their own divorces with honesty, humor and a healthy dose of reality. Sign up for my newsletter to get the latest information on my online courses, private support group and blogs!
]]>Growing up, I was lucky enough to get to know my Great Grandmother. She lived with my maternal grandparents whom I spent a lot of time with. Her name was Virginia but I called her “Mom” because that was what my grandmother called her, and I was too young to realize why that was confusing. She died when I was in junior high, before I was old enough to appreciate the opportunity to spend time with her.
She was an incredible cook and would make the best chicken and dumplings that you have ever tasted. She would roll the dough out and cut it into strips that she would set all over the kitchen and dining room to dry out before cooking them in the aromatic broth. It was my favorite dish as a child and she taught my mother how to make them.
When I was in high school, I wanted to learn more about her. I knew she had three children…my grandmother had a twin brother (a rarity in 1922) and she had a younger sister. I would often hear my grandmother speak of another aunt but she didn’t refer to her as her sister. I asked my mother about it one day and she told me what she knew of the story.
My grandmother grew up in Kentucky. She learned to cook at a young age and as was the custom of the time in the early 1900’s, she married very young. I believe she was 13 or 14 years old. As my mother recalled, my grandmother married the son of the wealthiest man in town who also happened to be the judge in town. She had three children fairly quickly, two boys and a girl.
Unfortunately, her husband had a habit of beating her. The beatings got progressively worse over the years. One beating was so bad, she almost died. She went to her father-in-law and begged him to let her divorce her husband; she feared he would kill her. Her father-in-law told her that he would give her a divorce but she must leave town AND leave her children behind.
I cannot imagine the angst that my great grandmother went through. She was still very young. I do not believe she had any family support. She was essentially the property of her husband with no financial means or choices. I do not know what her final breaking point was but I suspect it was a beating that made her realize she wouldn’t survive another one. In the early 1900’s, Virginia was granted a divorce in the state of Kentucky.
With no financial means and a necessity to leave town, Virginia relied on the only skill she had, her cooking. She managed to get transportation from Kentucky to Missouri whether it be by train or riverboat by procuring a position as a cook in exchange for her transportation. She settled in Missouri and managed to get a position as a cook in a restaurant.
She met my Great Grandfather, married and had three more children. I do not know at what point she reconnected with her adult children. I do know that her daughter moved to Missouri and they had a relationship. I know that she knew at least one of her sons later in life.
When I think about the difficulties I faced in my own divorces, it pales in comparison to what my Great Grandmother endured. Yet, she did what she had to do to survive. She used the gifts and talents she had to create a new life for herself amid what must have seemed like insurmountable odds at the time.
Virginia refused to accept being beaten to death by her husband as her fate. Whether it was a strong will to live or just plain stubbornness (which I believe I inherited from her), she created a new life on her own terms even though it came with a high price. We ALL have the ability within us to do the same, regardless of our circumstances. We have the power to change our own lives, our own destinies. What will your great grandchildren say about the one you created?
Hi! I’m Keri Lauderdale Olson, also known as Recovering Cinderella, www.recoveringcinderella.com. I am not a therapist (although I can probably use one) or divorce professional. I am simply a woman who has lived through divorce and wants to help support other women through their own divorces with honesty, humor and a healthy dose of reality. Sign up for my newsletter to get the latest information on my online courses, private support group and blogs!
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A few short hours later when I woke up, there was already a text from him asking me to call him when I was awake. I groggily dialed his number. He was wide awake, I don’t think he had gotten much sleep. He told me he had thought about that song all night. He had gotten up early and gone to buy the CD (yes, I’m old) so he could hear it again. He told me that he WAS that man. The one the song described, the one who would be there for me, a man among men.
The words poured out of his mouth and I could tell he was at his computer because I could hear him typing. He told me he had just purchased us tickets to the concert of the artist that sang THE SONG was coming to town in December. This was September. I asked him if he thought we would still be together in December. He said “of course!” He then asked me if I wanted to know where we were sitting at the concert? Before I could respond, he said, “front row!” and I could hear the smile in his voice.
My head was starting to spin. We had met online only a week before. Met in person only 2 days ago. For someone who hadn’t been divorced very long, (read my blog about when to date after a divorce https://recoveringcinderella.com/blogs/recovering-cinderellas-blog/when-should-i-start-dating-after-my-divorce) it felt wonderful and overwhelming at the same time. I couldn’t imagine someone falling so quickly for me. Someone who assured me that they wanted to make my world better than it had ever been.
September came and went. THE SONG made it onto a CD he made me of other love songs he wanted to share with me. I was in my 30’s and no one had ever made me a “mix tape” in my life. Whenever I heard it, my heart melted. He was the man that I had hoped I could find.
When the night of the concert came, we were escorted to our seats in the front row. I don’t think we ever sat down. To be that close to one of my favorite artists was exciting! I was loving every second of it – singing along to every song (thankfully, it was really loud up there)! As the first notes of THE SONG began, he reached into his pocket and slipped a 4-carat ring on my finger and asked me if I would marry him. Was there really any other answer than “YES!”
We began planning the dream wedding – a culmination of our fairy tale romance. I wanted our first dance to be to THE SONG. We signed up for private dance lessons and choreographed the perfect dance to THE SONG. We practiced it for months. When it played at our wedding reception and he led me onto the dance floor, I knew my dreams had come true.
It was a little over a week before the first lie came to light. It was 3 years of many more lies and the world that I thought was a fairy tale had become a nightmare. When I finally had the strength to end it, it took me years to build a new world based in reality, not fairy tales.
For the first year, whenever I heard THE SONG, the tears would come before I could even change the station. Even when I started to move forward in my life, THE SONG would rip open the wounds I had so carefully stitched together. It was as if my shattered hopes and dreams resided in those lyrics and would tear me to shreds whenever I heard it.
A few years later, the artist was coming back to town. My best friend (who had terminal cancer) wanted to go to the concert. I surprised her with tickets. She knew the history of THE SONG and asked me if I was sure I wanted to go. I was in better place and assured her I would be fine. Yet, the minute the artist started singing those lyrics, the tears were streaming down my face again.
It has been 10 years since my divorce. I have been able to hear THE SONG without crying for several years now. The artist is still one of my favorites and it will occasionally end up (like today) on a Pandora station. When I hear it now, I think about how far I have come. How different my life is now from what it was then. How if I had not married (and divorced) him, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And while I will probably never want to dance to that song at any wedding for the rest of my life, I can listen to it without the tears falling.
Healing from a divorce isn’t easy. Even when you think you are in a good place, something like THE SONG hits you from out of nowhere and you can find yourself unexpectedly sobbing in the produce department of the grocery store. But it DOES get better, I promise. Before long, those heart wrenching reminders of what was will be replaced with the promise of what could be. Find your own song…one that lifts your heart higher than any song you have heard before, Beautiful <3
Hi! I’m Keri Lauderdale Olson, also known as Recovering Cinderella, www.recoveringcinderella.com. I am not a therapist (although I can probably use one) or divorce professional. I am simply a woman who has lived through divorce and wants to help support other women through their own divorces with honesty, humor and a healthy dose of reality. If you are a woman starting your divorce process, check out my online course to help you navigate through both the emotional and practical issues of starting the divorce process. https://recoveringcinderella.com/collections/getting-through-the-divorce-process-online-courses-for-women/products/online-course-starting-the-divorce-process
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If you are newly single, you are about to hit the most difficult day of the year...National Single's Awareness Day (also known as Valentine's Day)! While you have been avoiding THAT aisle in the grocery store since the day after Christmas when they put up the boxes of chocolate hearts and stuffed animals, now heart balloons are roses are popping up everywhere you go. This day seem to be taunting you and your shattered heart.
Many years ago, my own divorce was final on December 20th. I managed to make it through Christmas and New Year's Eve and was ready to take on my new life when I walked into the grocery store and was hit in the face with LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. I felt like I had been stabbed! The pain was very real and very raw. When the dreaded day arrived, I was pleasantly surprised when my dad showed up at my front door with a dozen roses. My young sons surprised me with chocolates, cards and flowers and I realized that while Valentine’s Day was usually about lovers, it could also be about those we love.
I spent many Valentine’s Days as a single woman and I learned how to make it a day I enjoyed whether than dreaded. I learned to avoid restaurants on that night because (DUH!) they are filled with happy couples. Instead, I planned activities on Valentine’s Day so I wasn’t sitting at home ugly crying with a bottle of Cabernet. Here are 10 ways to not only survive your first single Valentine’s Day but ways you might actually enjoy it!
Throw a Single’s Awareness Day Party for Your Single Friends
You aren’t the only single person that you know. Throw a party! Create a “Single Awareness Day” cocktail, have heart-shaped snacks (or broken heart snacks), play games. Pinterest is full of fun ideas. Even better, have your single friends bring a single friend to the party, you never know what might happen!
Host a Valentine’s Day dinner for kids
If you have kids, this is a fabulous opportunity to make them feel special! Have Valentine’s for them, decorate the table and serve heart shaped pasta. Do crafts or make dessert together. If you don’t have kids, offer to babysit for friends or family members so they can go out and you enjoy the night with the kids.
Pamper Yourself
Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to show yourself some love! Book a mani, pedi or massage. Buy yourself some luxurious loungewear and wear it while reading that new book you haven’t gotten around to reading while sipping your favorite adult beverage.
Have a Chocolate Tasting
There are so many amazing chocolates in the market now. Stay away from the cheap chocolate and indulge in some artisanal chocolates with exotic flavors. Whole Foods has an awesome selection as do most grocery stores’ organic sections. Buy 4 or 5 different kinds and treat your senses to a new experience.
Go Somewhere New
If you and your ex had traditions on Valentine’s Day that are tied to your hometown, then go somewhere else. Visit a single family member or friend in another town and do something completely new.
Binge Watch Night
If you haven’t caught up on the latest Netflix show or if you are one of the few people in the world who has no idea who the Queen of Dragons is, settle in and find out what all the buzz is about.
Volunteer
There are lots of organizations that can always use an extra hand regardless of the time of year. Find a local church or organization where you can volunteer on Valentine’s Day. Deliver meals, cook and serve meals in a homeless shelter, help at a local food pantry. Nothing puts things into perspective like helping those who have bigger problems than being single.
Attend an “Un-Valentine’s Event
Check out the local activities and meetup groups. One of the most fun Valentine’s Days I ever had was when a friend and I went to a bar for an “Un-Valentine’s Day Party!” They had dueling pianos with hilarious versions of love songs and the place was filled with singles.
Create a Vision Board
If you didn’t create one in January (or if you have never done one), this is the perfect time to think about what you want your new life to look like. Where do you want your life to be a year from now? Five years from now? Build a visual for you to see every day and work towards.
Deliver Dinner to a Friend or Family Member
Do you have a grandparent or a family member that lives alone? Maybe they have lost a spouse or maybe they were never married. Make or pick up dinner and take it to them on Valentine’s Day. Share a meal and some stories!
Hi! I’m Keri Lauderdale Olson, also known as Recovering Cinderella, www.recoveringcinderella.com. I am not a therapist (although I can probably use one) or divorce professional. I am simply a woman who has lived through divorce and wants to help support other women through their own divorces with honesty, humor and a healthy dose of reality. If you are a woman going through a divorce or if you are divorced and have some insight to share with women going through it, please join my private Facebook support group: https://recoveringcinderella.com/pages/support-group.
]]>When you are going through a divorce, you will hear a lot about forgiveness. Google divorce and forgiveness and there are pages of articles about forgiving your former spouse. Forgiving your former spouse for what they did (or didn’t do) IS a critical part of healing and moving forward after a divorce. However, what is even more important and often forgotten about is forgiving YOURSELF.
My former husband lied to me about a lot of BIG things that I didn’t find out about until after we were married - I probably still don’t know everything he lied to me about. I was a single mom of three when we met. Caught up in the romance of him sweeping both me and my sons off our feet and giving us a life that I had never dreamed of, I didn’t see the red flags that with the benefit of time and distance are now so glaringly obvious.
A few short months later when the first of his many lies came to light, our dream turned into a nightmare. It was three years before I was finally strong enough to get him out of our lives. Three years of emotional abuse and mind games. Three years during which my sons learned behaviors that I wish they had never been exposed to.
I wish I could say that it was easy to forgive him and get on with my life. It wasn’t. It took me years, therapy and the encouragement of a support group before I could forgive him. But what was even harder than forgiving him, was forgiving myself. For not seeing his lies and controlling behavior BEFORE I married him. For exposing my sons to the emotional abuse and chaos he brought to our lives. For not getting him out of our lives sooner. For allowing myself to be abused. For becoming a person I didn’t know or like.
Maya Angelou said, “Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.” If I can share one thing with anyone going through a divorce that will help them the most, it is this: FORGIVE YOURSELF! Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It means letting go of the pain that we inflict upon ourselves for having not done something differently.
There are a lot of ways you can do this. I am a big supporter of therapy! For me, I wrote down all the things that I was blaming myself for. My guilt over putting my sons into the situation I did. The stupidity I felt for not seeing how controlling he was early on. Not walking out the door when his first lie came to light.
I owned the mistakes I had made and made apologies to my sons for what I had subjected them to. And then I said “good-bye” to the list. I burned it. I committed that once it was gone, it was in my past. I made the best decisions I could when I made them and now that I knew better, I would make better decisions. When something would come up in my life that stemmed from my time with my ex, I would remind myself that it was done. No more beating myself up over it. No more reliving it over and over in my mind and playing the “what if…” game.
This doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time and a concentrated effort to look forward rather than backwards. But it did help. I looked for ways that I could take what I had learned from my past and turn it into a positive in my new life. It took many years but I finally started sharing my experiences with other divorced women and finding ways to support them through their own divorces on www.recoveringcinderella.com.
Regardless of what happened in your marriage and subsequent divorce, give yourself the same grace you would give your friends or family if they were telling you their story. You did the best you could at the time. It is now in your past, filed under “lessons learned.” Let it go. You have a fresh start and an opportunity to make different choices and decisions. Live your new life without the baggage of your old one dragging you down!
Hi! I’m Keri Lauderdale Olson, also known as Recovering Cinderella, www.recoveringcinderella.com. I am not a therapist (although I can probably use one) or divorce professional. I am simply a woman who has lived through divorce and wants to help support other women through their own divorces with honesty, humor and a healthy dose of reality. If you are a woman going through a divorce or if you are divorced and have some insight to share with women going through it, please join my private Facebook support group. There is a link on my website.
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When you are facing divorce, your mind is overwhelmed with worry about anything and everything. How am I going to make it on my own? Where am I (or he) going to live? How is this going to affect my kids? What am I going to do about health insurance? Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life?
When to start dating again seems to the be the hottest topic for someone going through a divorce. Everyone seems to have an opinion for you. As soon as you change your Facebook status to “separated” or “divorced” you will suddenly be inundated with ads from online dating sites. Well-meaning friends will tell you the best thing you can do is jump into the dating scene.
When you are sitting at home alone mourning the loss of your marriage, it can be very tempting to jump onto the first online dating site that comes to mind. It can be validating to have your inbox filled with messages from new men. For a while, the excitement of imagining a new life with a new man can help you avoid dealing with all of those overwhelming, depressing feelings that divorce brings.
Unfortunately, when you are in emotional chaos (which, FYI, you ARE), you are not able to have an emotionally healthy relationship with anyone. Like it or not, you need to take the time to work through all your own emotions before you go diving into the dating pool! You need to fully mourn your marriage and take the time to grieve what you have lost…your marriage, your spouse, your dreams, your family.
Whether you have been married for decades or a few years, who you are has changed. You are not the woman you were before you got married. Not only has your marriage changed you, going through a divorce changes you. Now is the time to get to know who this new you is. If you have access to therapy or counseling, this would be a great time to start going if you aren’t already.
Find out what YOU like, not what your former husband likes, what YOU like. Really evaluate the things in your life, everything from where you are living to your career. What does happiness look like for you now? Are there things you have always wanted to do…. Take a cooking class? Travel? Start a business? Now is the time! There is freedom that comes with making decisions by yourself and for yourself. Think about what you want your new life to look like and make a plan to create that life.
Take the lessons you have learned from your marriage and divorce. Understand what you need and want in a potential future partner. If you are emotionally unstable, then that is what you will attract when dating. If you wait to date until you have reached a good place emotionally, you will be more likely to attract that in return. Don’t settle for less than what you now know you want or need.
There is no set time on when it’s the perfect time to start dating after a divorce. But you need time on your own to work through all the emotional turmoil that comes with divorce before you start dating. Get to know who you are now and love her as fiercely as you loved your ex. When you decide that you are ready to start dating again (and you will), you will be in a much better place to find someone who can add to your life not save you from the pain of your divorce.
Hi! I’m Keri Lauderdale Olson, also known as Recovering Cinderella, www.recoveringcinderella.com. I am not a therapist (although I can probably use one) or divorce professional. I am simply a woman who has lived through divorce and wants to help support other women through their own divorces with honesty, humor and a healthy dose of reality. If you are a woman going through a divorce or if you are divorced and have some insight to share with women going through it, please join my private Facebook support group. There is a link on my website.
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I am not going to lie to you, there is no quick and easy answer that can take away your pain.
However, there are things you can do to help you regain some holiday spirit so that you're not spending the next six weeks yearning for what was.
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The holidays are upon us and even if you have started to adjust to your divorce, you may find the solid ground you thought you were standing on start to feel unsteady. Whether this is your first newly single holiday or you’ve been divorced for a while, nothing can make the past stalk you like the holidays. If you have kids and are sharing the holidays with their other parent, this time can be even more lonely and painful.
I am not going to lie to you, there is no quick and easy answer that can take away your pain.
However, there are things you can do to help you regain some holiday spirit so that you're not spending the next six weeks yearning for what was.
Make NEW Memories
The holidays are typically filled with memories and traditions. Everything from the foods that are served to who we spend time with can make you think about how things “used to be.” Instead of doing the same things and making it obvious that your former spouse is not there to do them with you anymore, shake things up! Go out to dinner instead of making it. Take a trip and celebrate the holidays with friends and/or family you normally don’t. Create a crazy holiday Olympics for your kids. There is no rule that says you must do the same things you have always done.
RECONNECT
We all have friends or family that were a big part of our life at one point but life got busy and maybe we lost touch or we just aren’t as connected as we once were. Reach out to your college roommate, your favorite aunt, or that cousin you keep saying you’ll get together with one day. Make time to meet for coffee, drinks or dinner during the holidays. Sometimes when someone leaves our life, we have room for others to enter it.
Volunteer
Find an organization in your community that needs an extra pair of hands. Deliver meals to the homeless, be a bell ringer for the Salvation Army, pack care packages for our Servicemen and Women…there are always opportunities if you look for them. There is always someone else who has bigger issues than you do. If you have kids, include them! Focusing on someone else’s needs for a while means you aren’t focusing on your own pain.
Find Support
Connecting with others that are going through the same things can help you feel less alone. A lot of churches offer Divorce Care groups and/or sessions on grieving around the holidays. There are several online support groups for people going through a divorce. I have a private Facebook support group for women that are divorced or are going through a divorce (link below).
https://www.facebook.com/groups/recoveringcinderella/
Do Something Fun!
You may not be feeling fun right now. So, pick at least one activity during this holiday season that is fun and schedule it! Maybe it is something you used to enjoy as a kid, or maybe it is something you have always wanted to try and never have. Have your girlfriends over for an adult slumber party, go ice skating, go see a Christmas concert. If you have it on the calendar, you are more likely to do it. Once you are in the moment, you may surprise yourself and really enjoy it!
Make Time for YOU
The holidays are stressful even without the added stress of a divorce. Activities, expectations and demands on your time can leave you feeling depleted emotionally and physically. Make time to do something for you. Schedule a massage, manicure or pedicure. Put the kids to bed and take a candlelit bubble bath with your favorite adult beverage. Do SOMETHING that makes you feel special!
Start the New Year with a Fresh Perspective
The end of the holidays marks the start of a new year. As you say good-bye to this year and the pain that it brought you, look forward to the new year as a new chapter in your life. Spend more time focusing on the possibilities that are ahead of you than mourning what is behind you. Don’t cheat on your future with your past!
My wish for you is that you not only survive the holidays during your divorce but that you find moments of peace and happiness during this holiday season!
Hi! I’m Keri Lauderdale Olson, also known as Recovering Cinderella, www.recoveringcinderella.com. I am not a therapist (although I can probably use one) or divorce professional. I am simply a woman who has lived through divorce and wants to help support other women through their own divorces with honesty, humor and a healthy dose of reality. If you are a woman going through a divorce or if you are divorced and have some insight to share with women going through it, please join my private Facebook support group. There is a link on my website.
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My son’s birthday is next week. He asked me to send him a specific picture for his birthday; he is going to be 24 and is living out in LA chasing his dreams. That doesn’t sound like a big request. I am old enough to have sons in their 20’s and a lot of their childhood is captured in “old fashioned” printed pictures. Having three sons in three years means that I took and printed a lot of pictures and threw them in tubs thinking one day I would organize them…which has obviously not happened yet.
I had to search through about five tubs of pictures to find the one he wanted. As I looked through picture after picture, I found pictures of my first wedding. I saw a young bride who was full of love and hope while naively thinking that the young man she was looking adoringly at would be her life partner through good times and bad. I saw pictures of all of the dreams that were built and destroyed one by one. The move to another state to start a business together that was destroyed with poor decisions. The house that was leveraged to start another business and then a sudden change of mind, not caring that the house and the security of the family would be lost.
The pictures showed a family of five change to a family of four. A single mom raising her sons on her own. Pictures of me with my sons camping on our own for the first time. Me in my Cub Scout leader uniform with my sons proudly grinning next to me. Team pictures with me coaching little league baseball. Pictures of their first concert (I had to hold my youngest on my back the entire time because he couldn’t see). Road trips across the country for new adventures.
I opened another tub and another chapter of my life showed up. Pictures of me at 36, glowing with the confidence of being a divorced woman making it on her own. Pictures of an incredibly handsome man who made my heart skip a beat whenever I looked at him. He called himself Prince Charming and me, Cinderella. A romantic getaway to Sonoma, flowers and diamonds. Pictures of the dream house we built while planning our fairy tale wedding… complete with horse-drawn carriage and glass slippers. Me looking lovingly at him as we said our vows with the long-awaited promise of my happily ever after.
I found a few pictures of the week after the wedding. There were very few of them which in retrospect wasn’t surprising. In the pictures I do have, I am deliriously happy, looking as if I couldn’t ask for anything more in this world. The smile on his face seems forced, almost pained. I had no way of knowing that week would be the last week I believed in happily ever after.
I don’t have any pictures of the week we got back from our honeymoon. I don’t know if they would have captured how my world was shattered by the first of what turned out to be many lies. The pictures of the next few years show a blended family of seven but do not show the emotional abuse that was going on when the camera wasn’t pointed at us. The pictures from that time capture the move from the dream house to the house I had managed to keep in my own name upon the revelation that the man I thought I married was not who he really was.
Most of the pictures I have after that time are digital. They are on my Facebook page and document my announcement that I had officially changed my name (again). Pictures of me with my sons as we returned to a much happier family of four. There are pictures of me with a small group of women who became my sisters during the darkest time of my life. Pictures of us celebrating life and supporting each other through life’s ups and downs. Our first (and only) float trip, girls’ nights out, concerts, graduations, weddings, a funeral and an adoption. They became family and I don’t know how I would have gotten through that period of my life without them.
As I revisited my life in pictures, I wondered what my life would have been like had I made different choices. I wish I could have given my sons a stable home with two parents. Unfortunately, the decision to divorce their father was one of the best decisions I ever made…for me and ultimately, for them. Marrying my second husband was the worst decision of my life. However, that experience brought some of the people I value most in the world into my life. It gave me the desire to create Recovering Cinderella, a way to support other women going through divorce.
It has taken me years to heal and realize that my divorces do not define who I am. They do not make a me a bad person. While my marriages failed, I am not a failure. The pain I went through helped me become the woman I am today. Those experiences have given me the opportunity to reach out to other women who are going through their own pain and hopefully help support them when they need it most. The present pictures of my life show a woman who is confident, loved and not afraid to take on the world!
Hi! I’m Keri Lauderdale Olson, also known as Recovering Cinderella, www.recoveringcinderella.com. I am not a therapist (although I can probably use one) or divorce professional. I am simply a woman who has lived through divorce and wants to help support other women through their own divorces with honesty, humor and a healthy dose of reality. If you are a woman going through a divorce or if you are divorced and have some insight to share with women going through it, please join my private Facebook support group. There is a link on my website.
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I know that feeling. I know that knot in your stomach that is clenched so tightly, you can’t take a deep breath. I know that gnawing fear of the unknown. I have been overwhelmed by the thought of how in the world I was going to be able to do everything on my own as a single mother. I understand that feeling of failure. I have felt the self-doubt and worry that I would be alone for the rest of my life.
I am going to tell you what I wish someone had told me when I was going through it all. Your divorce is the end of your marriage, not the end of your life. As hard as it is to believe right now when your world is falling apart around you, life goes on. Your life goes on. You will smile again, and even laugh out loud again!
But first, you must grieve what you have lost. What many people don’t realize is that divorce IS a death. It is the death of a dream that two people once shared. It is the death of a marriage. A lot of times, it is the death of a family. Give yourself time to grieve that loss, just as you would any other death. Acknowledge what you lost. Mourn it. Say good-bye to it.
I do not believe that there is a set time for “getting over your divorce.” I know there is some sort of magic formula out there where you calculate a ratio of how many years you were together to tell you how much time it will take you to get over it. Personally, I think that is a bunch of crap. I think it depends on a lot of factors that can’t be calculated…like the reason for the divorce, how self-aware you are, whether you get counseling, what kind of support system you have, etc. In my opinion, you never “get over it,” it simply becomes part of who you are.
When I was going through my second divorce (yup, I’m a repeat offender), I was broken. I was in a very dark place and struggling more so because I had never fully grieved or healed from my first divorce. I remember having a meltdown in my pastor’s office and telling him I didn’t know HOW to move on. The grief was so overwhelming, it dominated my life.
He gave me the absolute BEST piece of advice. He told me that I needed to count five blessings every day. They couldn’t be my kids, which will always be my greatest blessings. I had to find five different things every day that I was grateful for that happened that day. At first, I wasn’t sure how that was supposed to help. But, I did it. At the end of each day, I thanked God for five things that I was grateful for.
I’ll admit in the beginning, there were days I struggled to find five things. However, as the days passed, I found myself appreciating little things more and more. Slowly, I began to focus more on the positive things in my life than the negative. That shift in perspective changed my world. When you are focused on what you are grateful for, you have less time to focus on the things that broke you. As a result, you start to heal.
The key is perspective. Only YOU have the power to shift your perspective. No one else can do it for you. You will have to make the conscious decision that you are going to find things to be grateful for. You will have to start focusing more on the potential your future holds than the losses of your past. You have the power within yourself to change your world.
One day, you realize that your stomach isn’t in that tight ball anymore. You are spending more time making plans for your future, than mourning your past. Before you know it, you realize you haven’t thought about your divorce in a few minutes, then a few hours and eventually, a few days. While you will always carry the scars of your divorce on your heart, they will just be one part of who you now are.
Hi! I’m Keri Lauderdale Olson, also known as Recovering Cinderella, www.recoveringcinderella.com. I am not a therapist (although I can probably use one) or divorce professional. I am simply a woman who has lived through divorce and wants to help support other women through their own divorces with honesty, humor and a healthy dose of reality.
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